Dearest Commish

Mr. Roger Goodell
Commissioner
National Football League
New York, New York

Dear Roger:

Thank you for the Rolex and fathead poster of Paul Tagliabue. A very nice touch, indeed.

You had asked me to jot down my ideas for improving the game, so here they are, in no particular order:

·Rescind that rule which allows the clock to run when a player goes out of bounds in the games first 55 minutes. What in insult to fans: “let’s speed up the game by having less of it!” Try cutting back to, say, 5000 commercials a game instead;

·outlaw the scoreboards during games. Can I watch the game, please? Not a constantly scrolling, irritating, distracting flash of scores all game long. Every 10 minutes is fine;

·and while we’re at it, get rid of the down and distance stuff too! I’m watching the game, for God’s sake, Roger; how stupid do the networks think we are? Flash the down and distance between plays and get rid of it during the play, okay?

·tell them to shut up. We don’t need a non-stop audio assault by Moose Johnston, Randy Cross, Solomon Wilcotts and the king of bleeding from the ears, Bill Maas. As I said, I am watching the game; I don’t need a 60 second explanation of a three yard off tackle run!

·too many night games, Mr. Commissioner; remember, those idiots wrapped up and freezing in zero wind chills last week in Pittsburgh paid good money to sit there, they cheer, boo and basically make the whole thing work. Sundays at 1:00pm are fine, okay?

·do not expand the playoff pool; 8-8 is already bad enough to get in;

·issue an edict banning mono-chromatic uniforms. The Seahawks look like some alien race, and the Saints, Bills, the Jets (flat out awful-looking) are close behind. Do this ASAP.

There you go, Roger. I’ll mail this to you, right after this quick time-out, presented by Levitra.



Patrick Callahan
This Week In Pro Football